Shelbert Gilton’s Marijuana Millionaire: How I Got Rich in the Seattle Pot Shop Game is pure bullshit, but I love it anyway. It’s an outlandish satire of Seattle’s medical marijuana scene written by someone who claims to have run a med pot shop, although we never get details on which shop. But no matter! Millionaire is chockablock with many juicy anecdotes about the grey areas of this get rich quick underworld. It rings true, which is quite an accomplishment for a work of fiction.

The medical pot scene blew up in 2010 – when Millionaire, which is really a sort of (fake) diary, begins. It ends in May of this year with the Marijuana Millionaire allegedly on the beach in Hawaii, retired.

The author has granted us permission to re-print some of the juicier parts of Millionaire. Amazing to look back five years into the dark ages of pre-recreational Washington. It’s some hard boiled weird stuff – perfect for beach reading while on your Summer vacation. In Hawaii. Enjoy!

March 19, 2010
Green Hope Patient Network wants me to sign this: “As a member I agree that should the need arise, I will make myself available to to testify in court on behalf of Green Hope Patient Network.” Uh fuck no. That dude Mark is cool. Does his Mom own the place? I don’t wanna know.
Gotta help everyone in the industry and maybe one day that will pay off. Being nice and not a dick.

The Italian Vibe of Goodie’s Green label is cool. I don’t sell edibles but I’m down with the lasagna. It made me — true story — pop a blood vessel in my right eye. Bright red. Met the guy in a parking lot in Georgetown.

March 26, 2010
Whacko Steve Sarich in the news again. He got busted but the cops let him keep some of his grow-op. This is inspiring a million dudes to get into the business.

April 2, 2010
Fuckin’ Dabe (yes “Dabe”) has a half page ad for “Medical Marijuana Physician Evaluations” running in the Seattle Gay News. Predicting people who actually have their shit together will be moving in on the pot doc angle. Dabe the dabbler.

Sun Leaf Medical. There’s another one. How long before the dispensaries “come out?”

December 15, 2010
Former Seattle Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske, a pot-hater, says medical pot is a gateway drug that will hook kids on pot, or some shit. What is the Polish word for “douchebag?”

My boys at 4Evergreen Group are having a Christmas party with Dyme Def. Not low key? Is they a medical doctor or is they a fuckin’ hip hop promoter? Nectar Lounge.

February 9, 2011
Seattle Weekly premiere of Toke Signals, Steve Elliott’s new column. Sexy pot nurse on the cover. A new low for the Weekly. “The smoking hot debut of our weekly medical marijuana column.” Unbelievable. The Weekly is at only 56 pages this time. Went well over 100 in the late 90s. Will it even be a 36 page rag a few years from now. What are they thinking?

February 10, 2011
Northwest Leaf’s David J posts a daring Facebook selfie. He has a cigarette in his mouth and is holding a beer in one hand and a gun in the other. The kid is barely 21 and he’s already getting in trouble. If he’s smart he’ll slow down and consider other career options. Does he still own West Coast Wellness, too? They were doing ten grand a day at one point.

January 18, 2013
Seattle Cannabis Co-op is an abandoned shell. Graffiti, broken windows. Idiots. Play it low and slow and don’t attract attention AND DON’T DO GREEDY STUPID SHIT and you can last in this game forever. Google “Jimi Hendrix Vodka.”

Jeff Bezos would like the fact that Marijuana Millionaire is available only as an eBook and only through Amazon’s Kindle Unlimited service, where reams of sleazy and otherwise unpublishable trash are available for free if you are a member of Amazon Prime. Enjoy!